The road less travelled

roadThis Sunday was different. After many years, though centuries would have better described it, I stood in front of an open window and savoured a winter morning. It was seven and half minutes to be precise, but within those seven and half minutes I cut off myself from the rest of the world. A small twirl from a lone pumpkin creeper in my window touched my cool cheek, as I inhaled the morning freshness. After many years, I actually smelt a morning. It smelt of a lingering drop of strong coffee sliding down a cube of ice! I let the left-over breeze from a cyclonic depression somewhere play with my hair. My hair – that were once silky and faded brown now smell of old coconut oil and stale cake batter. But I still let the breeze bounce through the sticky mess. I stared at my fingers. Regular chopping of vegetables have left unending marks of knife rummaging through the fine lines of my finger print. I marvelled at how I use the same fingers to key in funny stories, tie shoe laces and run them on calculator pads. I use the same fingers to pinch out the exact bit of salt that would make the balance of taste perfect – even at the cost of the mild tinge of pain that hits my nerves when my cracked skin comes in contact with raw salt.

At that point, somehow I felt proud of myself – proud that I try and manage so many things – so many roles with smoothness…..not smoothness really but manage nevertheless!

I have never been a winter person exactly. Being wrapped in mufflers and caps, winter has always been a tonsil-story for me. And, endorsing my low sustenance to winter cold, a small stream of liquid flowed out through my left nostril. Shamelessly, I let it! It reminded me of childhood – of coloured water bottles, sticky nose-tips, smell of jaggery, bad handwriting, clay dolls with swinging heads……

I then realised that it had been years that I had actually spent time with myself. In my quest to be the ‘perfect super woman’ I had forgotten the smell of a good tea. Who on earth gave me the pre-condition that I had to make the perfectly crispy dosa to be the best daughter-in-law? What could possibly go wrong with the world if I just wish to knit mufflers for a day and not do the dishes? Why would I feel like a sinner if, for a day, I want to spend alone –ALONE and not really want the kids around? I realised that there are so many things I want , I can, I would love to but I dare not. And all this because I am interested in being branded – branded an ideal daughter, perfect wife, fantastic daughter-in-law and an award-winning mommy! There are so many things I want to say ‘No’ to but I do not because I do not want the TRP rating to fall! For instance, I hate to subtly announce the dates of my menstruation cycle when my in-laws are around, just so that my ‘touch’ does not pollute their food! I like long hair but No, I hate to tie it! And yes, even though I love cooking as an art, I HATE to cook everyday – especially the thought process of ‘what to cook’! I Yes, I love food – oily, deep fried and extremely unhealthy sort of food and No, I do not exercise because I feel my everyday schedule is punishing enough! And hygiene be damned, I terribly, terribly hate taking bath in the winter months and detest morning wake-ups! So, to cover up for my flaws what I normally do is pretend. When I was a kid, I used to throw water here-there and everywhere behind closed doors of the bathroom and pretend that I was taking a bath. Then to show that I had actually taken a bath, I used to apply water all over my face and hands and come out shivering. I do the same thing now – though I play ‘pretence’ with myself. I fool myself into believing that the warm water in extremely cold morning is actually relaxing. I apply soap to my face and tell myself that this is the only time I get to pamper myself! Though deep within my heart I know that I would rather cuddle myself under an over-weight blanket and sleep with my mouth open – just to combat my nose block! And all this because I want to be the perfect one in front of myself and the world at large.

Not much, but those seven and half minutes was liberating enough. Like childhood, I wiped my nose with the back of my palm. I laughed and savoured the moment! I felt that at times it was fair enough to take the road less travelled by.

I was thrilled to have rediscovered the things that could identify me as myself. As I was leaving the window sill, I discovered a nascent, green sapling peeping through the dusty soil of an abandoned flower-pot! For once, I loved winter.

Photo: http://www.pixabay.com

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17 thoughts on “The road less travelled

  1. I have always loved winters 🙂 I love that cosy feeling 🙂 sleeping under layer of quilt and blankets 🙂 covering myself from head to toe in warm clothes 🙂 Sitting in shining sun or sleeping under it with a blanket over your face 🙂 I love winter clothes 😛 high necks 🙂 boots 🙂 mufflers 🙂 But I miss all of this 😦 There is no winter in pune 😦 No foggy days 😦 No fun of eating stuffed paranthas with lot of butter 😛 I think I am gonna write a post on it now 😛 You took me down the memory lane 😀 once again 😉

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  2. The game of time or the pressure of time….so many things changes with time, our work load whether in job field or to be a perfect parent/daughter-in-law forces us to forget and enjoy the small but lovcely moments.
    Loved the way you have written it. very nice.

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  3. How I hate waking up in the morning and a proper bath!! 😦 But, yes, hygiene and here in India, bathing is a part and parcel of good hygiene. The mind is per-conditioned to that notion.

    “Why would I feel like a sinner if, for a day, I want to spend alone –ALONE and not really want the kids around?”- I really, really, think this is the line for almost every mother around, only, we feel afraid to voice it because someone might brand us as ‘bad momma’… 🙂

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  4. Sri that was a very honest and interesting post 🙂 Good for you for voicing your thoughts because many women feel this way, I know I have as well. When you hit your 40’s, you might choose to take action on some of those things though 😉 Time will tell. I’m not a winter person either, I tend to hide under my blanket for about 5 months! 😛

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    • Thanks Jennifer. Your posts always inspire me. When you wrote about ‘courage’ in your previous post, it really made me think…..do I have the courage to really bring forward what I feel? Is it important for me to be Ms.Goody Two Shoes always? At times I feel that we, mommy-women, should really have a group to talk about these things – our fears, insecurities……I wish I too feel the sense of liberty that you are experiencing right now – that power to celebrate oneself! Thanks a lot!!!! Love you!

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  5. Self time is quite important for that helps you sort things, come back more productive. It helps you be content, let’s you settle what otherwise would be whirling a storm instead 🙂 Loved how you wrote few things right by the inner voice. That said, I am not sure if I am a winter person 😀 Haven’t spent more than 2 months in winter at a stretch but I think I would like it! Just, may be. Cheers.

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